I heard a quote recently from, “A course in Miracles,” that says, “in my defenselessness, my safety lies.” This quote was promptly followed by a quote from Byron Katie, “an act of defense is an act of war.”

To be defensive is to be warring. This doesn’t mean to have no self-preservation instincts. But it is an invitation to take into account areas of your life where you may be being defensive based on past wounding.

You guys I have been on a quest to heal myself, my brain, my chakras, my relationship patterns, my behavior for years now. I am literally shaking right now I’m so fucking scared.

What happened? A guy randomly asked me out this weekend. He asked me like a week ago. I don’t think we’ve met before but we’re facebook friends so maybe we did and I just don’t remember because I typically don’t add people I don’t know.

Anyway, like a week ago he asked me to meet him this weekend. We texted for a little bit that day and I heard from him here and there throughout the week. I am not a great texter and much prefer phone calls, voice notes, even video logs as communication when in-person isn’t available. You just can’t get a feel for someone’s energy over text. It’s so inhuman. It feels like a blind date. But he also didn’t say it was a date. He just said that he wanted to meet me and talk about recovery. So I was like, “okay. what the worse that could happen?”

Little did I know I would make an absolute MOUNTAIN out of this molehill of a situation. Why do I expect so much from people? Why can’t I just have fun and leave things open-ended? Why do I always think people are playing games with me? Am I playing games? Am I untrustworthy? Why am I so afraid of getting hurt that I immediately assume the worst and brace for impact? Why can’t I just surrender to the uncertain and let it be a good outcome without any control on my part?

This morning he texted me. He asked me about my weekend and I didn’t want to answer him. Because like aren’t we meeting up later? I hate all this stuff over text. It’s so impersonal. I asked him if we are still meeting up later. After steadily texting he didn’t answer me. For almost an hour and a half. I got super annoyed and wanted to just cut it off there.

Actually if I’m being honest, I made a four-minute-long TikTok about how unattractive I find this behavior and how I think he is playing a game. And how I am not a person to be played with and how I value my time and energy and la la la… I vented about it hard. Then he did answer me and I pretended not to see it. I muted him and archived his messages. After cleaning my house some more and thinking about it I was like, “shit am I the one playing games?” He said he did still want to meet up. After a few hours I unmuted him and said, “Okay.” He seems genuinely unaware of this entire emeotinal old story journey I’ve been on today. Which is totally appropriate because I’ve shared none of it with him. And I’m not mad about that.

I’m not even mad at him. I’m not even mad anymore at all. I’m in full self-analysis mode. If I look at my emotional journey throughout this situation and reflect on what was really bothering me- it’s the same old wounds at the root: this person is a man and they may want something from me; this person is a man that I may like and they may abandon me; this person may see me and get to know me and then reject me. Another element is that I know this guy’s sister and I know that she doesn’t like me/approve of me- a whole other story for another time.

Translation: I’m not good enough to be loved. No one actually cares about me enough to want to undestand me. It can’t be true that someone likes me for me. Even if they do like me, they will definitely leave me.

Better fuck this up myself before I can be the one that’s left. Better sabotage it before it can be something I grow attached to that actually hurts way worse when it inevitably leaves.

I’m just really looking at my behavior in this situation. I use all of my experiences as a vehicle for inner work and often for me, the clarity comes like way after I’ve already made an ass of myself. I just really can’t help it and sometimes that’s just how I learn.

He tried to confirm plans, 7pm? I told him the truth. “I’m scared.”

That’s how I’m feeling in this moment. I feel scared. I feel like I don’t know what to expect. I feel like I don’t even know this person. This person is a man I don’t know. Does he want something from me? Probably. Almost certainly. Is it also possible that this is not sinister at all? Yeah. Either way don’t I want something from him too?

I think a really psychotic way of going about being in the world and interacting with other people is being so untrusting that you believe everyone is out to get you. People that want to get to know you and be close to you secretly are in it to fuck you over or play games with you. They want to get you on the hook so they can leave you and laugh on their way out. And tell all their family and friends how actually psychotic and undesirable you actually are.

Whoa. This is actually pretty dark. These beliefs go deep. But now that I can see what’s really at play, I can challenge it.

It is interesting to see how this belief is still in my brain and how it plays out for me in how I behave in life and in relationships. I also now have the tools to look at these beliefs and put them in their right place. Here are some questions I use to challenge thoughts based on the work of Byron Katie:

Thought: “Everyone is actually out to get me and anyone that wants to get close to me is secretly trying to fuck me over.”

In life, you always get out what you put in. Another way of saying this is whatever you are putting out or how your are being in the universe is what will come to you.

I think I’ve been playing some unspoken game and when people don’t make the right move the first time, I cut them off. I cut it all off. There’s no room for grace, no room for mistakes, no room for humanity. Be perfect or else my overactive alert system will go off and I will deem you threat and leave before it gets worse. Since I’ve vowed to release control and surrender in relationships- and that is so fucking hard for me to be with that surrender- that I have to get away from it. This uncertainty is still so unbearable and uncomfortable. So I leave. I leave before I can be left. I leave before I can actually connect and the leaving hurts too badly. I reject before I can be rejected. I control the narrative of how they wanted me and I never leave space for them to really get to know me and have the opportunity to not want me. Because that feels like shit and I hate it.

Shadow work new moon eclipse HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

SO now I told him I’m scared and he said that it’s cool if we don’t meet today. We can wait until I’m comfortable.

But like that’s the thing. I may never be comfortable. I may not ever not be like this. At least to some degree. This is part of my conditioning from a young age being socialized female around angry and emotinoally unavailable men. Do what men want and don’t make them mad. Definitely never say no or they will probably get mad. And like we learned in Chicago last week men that I don’t(or do) know wanting something from me is scary for me and fucks my nervous system. And it’s so crazy to have this-what I consider to be an affliction- and also be attracted to men and wanting connection with them at the same time. And I find it very dumb that even just meeting someone one time is like a whole fucking event and such an emotional journey from me. This has taken most of my headspace and attentino for this entire day.

So back to war. Was I warring? You guys I think I was warring. I don’t want to be that person that people have to walk on eggshells around. I don’t want to be that person that can’t accept a fucking 1.5 hour period of no communication. I don’t want to be that person that assumes the worst of people and situations and comes up with all these presumptions about them. And I do this thing where I make up stories of like the worst thing possible that could be happening- perceived abandonment or rejection- and then I have a full-on trial in my head. They are accused, tried, convicted, and executed all without any input or curiosity or fucking patience on my side. LIKE HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK?

But also it’s okay that I’m like this. Because I also am extremely self aware. Like to the point that it is painful sometimes. But this level of self awareness is extremely helpful on my development journey. Either way I’ve gone through this entire process TODAY and now I can share it with this person. I literally have nothing to hide and no game to play. Worst case Ontario he doesn’t even want to be my friend. But not being honest and fully transparent isn’t an option for me. I have to say everything I’m thinking. It is sometimes bad. But right now I feel like it’s called for. And I feel like if I ever hope to find a relationship based on truth and authentic connection; I have to be authentic. I have to be willing to be honest and vulnerable. Even if I think I may have behaved in a psychotic manner. It’s not like he’ll never know. Like eventually he will know either way that I’m like this. There’s no way for anyone to ever really love you if you don’t be who you are and say what you’re thinking and feeling. So I have to.

Even if I feel like I freaked out over a small, dumb thing. Even if just the thought of a perceived threat of abandoment sent me into a mental tailspin. My feelings are valid. It’s not dumb if it’s a big deal to me. This is all part of the healing work. Acknowledging that this is bothering me and moving forward in a different way. Shit. Now I have to actually be honest.

Also like it’s actually really cool that I’m like this I think because it shows that I really care about myself. This is my brain’s way of trying to protect me and guess what? I’m actually not psychotic. And even if I was I would be pssychotic in a very sexy way. This is a perfectly reasonable response given my history, you know? I just always feel kind of goofy after one of these moments of clarity. Let’s see if this guy is up to processing this with me or if he thinks I am an actual psycho. Either way if you’re going to be with me or pursue me, it’s something you should know. I do this stuff all the time and it’s an ongoing process for me that continues to unfold new realizations I’m integrating all the time.

What a beautiful gift to experience this continual growth. What a beautiful gift to deepen my relationship with myself. What a beautiful gift to increase my capacity to sit with discomfort and uncertainty. What a beautiful gift to have this opportunity to share this with another and cultivate true, deep connection.

Thanks for the opportunity to share what I’ve learned today. It’s been real.

An act of defense is an act of war.

This day has been a whole journey.

Anyways, I’m meeting him at 7.

Thanks for listening to my piping hot tea.

HAPPY NEW MOON!

What are your intentions for the coming weeks?

What are you releasing today?

Until next time :)